My Testimony...Part 2

Grief...the dictionary's definition is as follows.

  keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow;  painful regret.

To some degree, we all are in a state of grief. So many things happen in our lives that we have a hard time dealing with, overcoming and letting go. I think my grief began early on in my life. My parents divorcing impacted me a lot more than I knew. The things that followed in my life began to mold my thinking about what a marriage is. When you have a distorted view of such things, it impacts your life. In more ways than you would imagine. Yes, I grew up and had a good life as a youth, but went on to my own marriage and family, only to repeat the same as my parents. I went to church as a young girl and was Baptized as well, but I truly do not believe that I knew what I was doing. I didn't  live my life for Jesus then. Yes, I believed in Him, but I did not live like I knew him most times.

When I got married, I didn't go to church and neither did the rest of my family. (husband and kids) When I thought about it, satan did everything in his power to place things in the way. He's been doing that all my life. It's his job. After the divorce, I still didn't go to church. In fact...I made myself so busy that I didn't make time. I worked two jobs and tried to continue my education. Two years after the divorce, I remarried. He was my knight in shining armor that came to rescue me from the muck and the mire. He protected me from my ownself, most times. The blended family was in full swing and a rocky road it was. Chris and I didn't live our lives for Christ at first either. We partied most weekends, and did what we wanted to do. Our first child came along shortly after we were married...4 years later, our 2nd child arrived. Both boys. It was shortly after the birth of our second son, that we began going to church. This is where God began to take my already deep seated grief and begin a work in me. Not long after we had been going to church regularly, the pastor of the church approached Chris and I about ministry work. Yes...you read that right. He asked us to come aboard as staff in the preschool ministry. It was something that hadn't really been done before. A husband and wife team. We prayed about it, and decided that this was indeed what God wanted, so in 1996, Chris and I surrendered to the ministry as Preschool Coordinators at Baptist Temple Church in Oklahoma City and went on to the entire Children's Ministry. Satan was NOT happy at all now! How could this be...I thought I had them.  A new round of grief began for me. The attacks of the evil one were harsh for not only me but for my husband. When you are living for Jesus, and doing right, you will know it, because the attack on your life will grow. I truly believe in the statement, "You must be doing something right, if you are in the middle of heavy persecution." Satan doesn't have a problem with those who aren't following the Lord. He picks on the ones following.

During our ministry at BT, things happened. Our lives were changed in so many positive ways, but also some not so positive ways. We were challenged, both in ministry and in our marriage. Chris ministered Bi-vocationally there, so a "real job" was going on too. Things happened in our marriage and our personal lives that we are not proud of at all. Choices that would forever remain in our memories.  When you come into marriage with junk (grief), and you add a little more junk (grief) to the mix...it is hard to manage the load. Junk...we ALL have it. Learning to let go of it...unpack that bag of junk...leave it on the curb. Not easy stuff. Yes...even for ministers and their family.

To be continued.....

My Testimony... Part 1

It's always best to start at the beginning when telling a story, so I will begin this trip in such a way.

     I was born in San Antonio, but grew up in a SMALL town here in Oklahoma. I love the town I grew up in. I would live in a small town again too. I love the community that small towns bring. Sure, you have the typical small town stuff that goes on...like everybody knows EVERYBODY'S business, and that held true for me. If you are in...you are in, but if not....well....you know. I wasn't really "in". I wasn't popular but that's okay. When I was about four years old, my parents divorced. So began the blended family life. My mother remarried a few years after and that man remained my step-father until his death almost 8 years ago. My dad remarried...a few times. :) I believe we became the textbook definition of Blended Family. LOL. I won't complain too much about this, because I gained great perspective from each of those marriages. I had a good youth and I had fun. I do not regret or wish for better.

     When I was a Senior in Highschool, I got pregnant and was married. I finished school, graduated and went on to be a wife and mother of two wonderful kids, talented and awesome in every way. I accomplished this feat all by age 19. Yes...a baby having babies and I had no idea what I was doing. I did know beyond a shadow of any doubt that I loved them beyond what I thought possible and still do to this day!

     Something seemed missing to me and I became a statistic of sorts when I decided to leave my marriage. 5 years I made it, until I felt I couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't for lack of love...because I loved. I was lost, I guess. I wanted the best for my kids and didn't want them to have to be uprooted from the only home they knew, so along with their father, we decided for joint custody arrangement and they would continue to live with him.  The years following were tough years for me. Divorce is hard...and it's hardest on the children. I don't remember the hard parts of divorce from my childhood. My parents did a good job of keeping the "junk" away from my brother and I. I can't say I did the same. Again...tough years for all concerned. We both remarried and blended family once again...now for my children. Here is where a great amount of grace and mercy enters in...because God sustained me and I believe this is where my growth began. I remain thankful to this day for the stepparent in my kids life. I didn't always feel that way,  but I know she took very good care of them and loves them deeply. I'm also very thankful to my husband, because it takes a big person to love another person's children. Both stepparents here have loved sacrificially.
Those two kids are now grown and have kids of their own...I'm so very proud of them. They made it, in spite of their mother's hang ups early on. I'm thankful for my relationship with them both.

    This is where I will end part 1.   I've heard when sharing your life or testimony that you keep as brief as you can, but point out the main things. I'm about to turn 50 years old in a couple of months and keeping my life brief is not really easy! But I will try.

Thanks for reading this far and I'll try and get part 2 out soon.

Be blessed,
Val

Return...

So many times I come on here and type out a blog and then I erase it. Yeah...all those words and then I just delete, delete, delete. Most times it is best that it happens that way. I'm sure there were things I jotted down that really didn't need to be out there in the world of the unknown cyberspace. However, there are some blogs that really needed to be seen. Just for the sake of another gaining some perspective or help.  You see...we overcome by the blood and by the word/power of our testimony.  ( Revelation 12:11) Our testimony is huge! It plays a big part in our striving to not be Of the World. When you go through your toils, and your pain...when Christ has seen you through the muck and the junk...we need to testify to this, so others will see where your grace and mercy has come from and glorify God for that! We are to share...we are to live our lives as a reflection of what the Savior has done.

Okay...the point of this is to let you know, that as I approach the anniversary of my father's passing from this life, that I am feeling and unction to share some of my own testimony. The parts that I can share freely. It's been a hard road for the last few years and I know I still have a ways to go before I can say..."I'm good". Meaning that I have dealt with all and totally forgiven all. Actually...I believe we will, to some degree, deal with things all the time.  I do remain in Grace and I know that what I have asked forgiveness for is truly forgiven...from my maker. The other areas are not for me to worry about. I have forgiven things/people and it's not for me to keep tabs on their forgiveness. I have to let that go.

So, I give you a heads up of sorts to be on the lookout for this testimonial blog writing. It will take me a bit to formulate what and how to share. But I know it should be shared. It's part of my overcoming!  This will not be a blog about other people and what they've done to me. That's not what this is about at all. It's about what I have done and how my relationship with Jesus has pulled me up out of the muck and mire to spiritual renewal and awakening. Still working on that...but I KNOW that God has that plan and I'm all in for what it is!

Make today a blessed one, friends and don't forget Who gave it to you!

In His Grip,
Val

It's In the Quiet Times

Where can I go from Your Spirit?Or where can I flee from Your presencePsalm 139:7

Today, on my walk/run, I chose to not listen to my usual Pandora selection. (80's workout Radio). I needed to be able to listen...listen to God. I firmly believe that in our prayer time, He sometimes just wants us to listen. Trust me, He knows our heart. He knows our needs, even before we tell Him. So, in this silence, aside from my pedometer app ticking away at my goal, I listened and watched my surroundings. His presence truly is everywhere and He answers us in the very things around us. The wind, the trees, the birds. Gentle whispers from Him are heard. Every time I walk, I see a rabbit. It's pretty tame and I talk to it...only briefly. Today was no different with the rabbit, however, there were new things for me to see. God winks, I call them. 
I come from a large family and part of that large family is a very musical family. I have very fond, wonderful memories of a family circle around a piano with my Granny Cash playing and my daddy on the guitar. We would all sing and sing and sing some more. Nothing gave my Granny more pleasure than those times. It's a circle that I miss so much. 
   So what brings to mind all this thought? It was in my walk today. I desperately needed God to remind me of what is truly important. And in His wonderful way, He did. Two things were brought to my attention on my outing. A Roadrunner and a Butterfly. Odd combo, for sure...and I honestly can't tell you how long it has been since I've seen a Roadrunner. These two things are important in my request to God today. You see, my Granny Cash loved Roadrunners and Butterflies. They were her calling cards so to speak. She was almost, always seen wearing a Roadrunner pin on her lapel and a Butterfly pin on her back shoulder. (cause that is where a butterfly would sit, don't ya know?) What made this even cooler is that where I walk is in close proximity to the last place of residence of my Granny Cash. 
Those items were a great God wink to help me remember family...family is so important. It's the very thing that helps to mold us. Our memories of younger days...simpler days. Oh, that life could be as simple as it once was. I miss those times so much...I miss singing and sharing my heart that way. It's who I am. So much joy came from those family circle times. (Dominoes, Wahoo, and Chipper ice cream are right up there too, of course) This is only a part of my family life when I was a child. But it's what God wanted me to remember today. And I am so thankful He showed me!

♫ May the circle, be unbroken
By and by Lord, By and by. 
There's a better home a waiting
In the sky Lord, In the sky. ♫

Thanks for reading!

How Will You Handle It?

A curve, a speed bump, a fork in the road…changes in life sometimes spring out of the blue. Some changes are planned, some are a surprise and some just leave you shaking your head, or a slight tilt with the response of, "really?" 

I'm not a panicker.  (is that a word?) I take life pretty much in stride. I do get stressed and it tends to bring about some small health issues, but for the most part, I don't panic. A friend once said, "Valarie, I don't think your life has ever been dull!" She was so very right. It never has been. I will say, however, the last couple of years have been downright crazy! (that's an understatement) There have been valleys, changes, regrets, pain, sorrow, grief and junk! If I went into everything that has happened, I would be well on my way to writing a novel. 

But here's the key in all of this; how we handle all this "stuff" is very important. You see, the world is watching, especially when you are a believer in Christ. People watch to see you slip up, go nuts, or totally lose your sense of composure or worse, your faith. They wait for you to get mad at God or to turn your back on your beliefs. 

Now, with everything that has happened, it would be understandable if my faith wavered  or my trust with God came into question…but it hasn't. My faith and trust in mankind has been rocked, but that's a given. When you experience loss, albeit in death or in life, you grieve. You grieve the things that used to be or you grieve the people you once had in your life. Whether they have passed on or exited some other way. I've experienced both sides in the last couple or more. My faith has been tested for sure. My marriage has been rocked in a way that I would have never imagined. My belief in myself as a wife and a mother has been taken to the depths of almost self-wallowing. 

There was this song that was very popular years back by a band called, Chumbawamba. The chorus  goes: "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down" Yeah, you remember it! Well, that is my motto! Truly. But an even better Chorus or in this case verse of scripture goes: "I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted, not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-10).  Many of you know that one too. It's a better motto to live by, because the end of that says, I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure, and His joy's gonna be my strength. That’s the Joy of The Lord!

With each “thing” that comes about, I get a little knocked down…but I do get back up again. Sometimes it amazes me how people are afraid to approach you when “things happen”. They don’t know what to say, I guess. But I am here to tell you….I’m not afraid to talk about it. I’m not afraid to tell you about my struggles, my heartaches, my bad choices or the consequences that have come from those choices.  I’m also not afraid to tell you that I love Jesus and He truly is my rock that I focus on. It’s what keeps me going…and it’s what keeps my family together, loving each other through this thing called life! Chris and I made a promise a long time ago that no matter what…we would make it! We would persevere. One day at a time. That promise has been tested…time and again but  here we are, still making it…one day at a time. It wouldn't be possible without this one little (or big) thing called, Forgiveness. We've had to have a LOT of it. 

So I ask you…How will you handle it? It is your testimony and honestly, you never know who is watching or who may just need to know your story. We all need to be encouraged. We need to be lifted up. That’s the roll of The Body. And even if you are not a Christ follower…the same applies. Love others!

Thanks for reading!

Memories and Life

Not to be taken for granted...this thing we call life. Things change in a fleeting moment. 

Watching the coverage of the Boston Marathon Bombings has brought back some crazy feelings from my own experiences in life. This week we will gather as we have done each year since 1995 to remember those who fell to home soil terrorism. Do you remember where you were? Did you have a loved one involved?

I did. My father was a long time employee of the Veterans Administration as a Benefits Counselor. His office was located on the 5th floor of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building. He survived but not without great emotional and physical pain. Up until I lost my dad this last June, he continued to feel the effects of this tragedy. Every day, bits of glass would come to the surface on his body. Dad's whole body looked like a war zone of sorts after that day. His body pelted with glass and shrapnel from the blast. He lost an eye and completely severed the tendons in his left wrist. The emotional scars were always the worst, however. He retired from the job he loved but did not become complacent in his quest to seek justice for the 168 (19 of those being children) who lost their lives in this tragic event that was classified as the worst terrorist act on U.S. soil until the September 11th tragedy.  No, my father did not sit idle afterwards. He went to the McVeigh trial, he helped with the organization of the memorial and after 9/11, he became an advocate for those survivors as well. Dad closely worked with the 9/11 delegation to help bring about closure for them as he continued to seek his own closure. 
This Thursday night, he will be honored by some of the 9/11 delegation as they will be here for the anniversary services Friday morning. Our family and some of the other OKC delegation along with the New York delegation will gather and remember my dad for his heart and love for others. I'm humbled....so deeply humbled.

Life is not promised....not one single day. Take time to love people. Love is the strongest when it is being given away. The return is seven fold. Why waste your time in the bowels of hatred. Where does it get you? 
Continue to pray for all the families that have been and are now being affected by terrorism. By tragic events, by senseless acts of hate. Hold tight to what is present....you never know how long you will have it. 

Now go! And share your love! 

                                                                                                                Picture taken April 19th 2012. Dad left this earth, June 18th 2012. 

A Day In the Life

So....
It's been a long time since I have posted to the 'ole blog.
I do like writing but I have always been a bit apprehensive about just out right blogging my feelings. I mean, I don't know why. I have an opinion and I don't mind writing about it. I have some thoughts that I wish to be published out there but yet, I hold back on those.
Have you ever had such a conviction that you just HAD to write about it? Yeah? Me too! Problem is...I seem to be held to this other standard. This thing that prevents me from really just putting it all out there.
I am not sure how I am to feel about that, really. I am a pastor's wife, but I have a ton of things I wish I could just post and vent and ...well, just let hang!
So I guesss...let this be the first of a segment of blogs that begin to explain a little more into the mind of Val Gray. The mom and wife of the infamous Gray Clan.
We really do have a ton of "stuff" that most of you out there would just flock to.....but maybe I'll just take it a day at a time.
Yeah, ...................that's it!
A day at a time!
Sweet Jesus!